Dr. Ehi Enabs

.....And the prince chose the fairest of them all.

…..And the prince chose the fairest of them all.

When Oga “Naija Dude” told me about this piece he wanted me to write I didn’t even think about it, I just said yes and now its been two days and still no inspiration.

Anyhow here I am under the influence of cough syrup (notice I said cough syrup and not codeine?? Yeah that’s because its prescribed and shit…haha) and jazz and I have no idea what to write, so I’m just gonna “wing it”.

The idea behind this article is basically “what is it with Nigerian girls that make them the least romantic in the world?” Right now, I have no idea but hopefully as we go on this journey we’d both find out, is that cool? Yes? No? Psssh! Who cares?

Now let’s start from the beginning (a very good place to start and all). Why are romantic gestures made?? Personally I think its to prove our love to the receiver of such gesture.
Now if we take this understanding of romance and apply it to our society we’ll find out that us, Nigerian girls are never actually required to prove our love.

In the days of the old when wishes were granted and animals could speak it has been said that women had no say when it came to the matter of love, if they felt it no one knew or even cared. Back then if a man wanted a bride he would line up seven (I don’t know the exact number but 7 seems cool) fair maidens and pick the one he decides is the fairest of them all ( snow white, anyone?) Then after he makes his decision he would seek her father’s approval and that’s it! Done did it! Itz ova! He has a bride.

Now if you followed the chain of events leading to the union, you’ll find that there is no way for the girl to “prove her love” to her man, all she has to do is stand there and look pretty.

Now let’s fast forward a little, say to the 60’s and 70’s now during this era, women had a little more say in their love lives, I think its during this time that the feminist voice became not only heard but acknowledged. Now in the west, women of this time used their so called “liberation” to pay for their dinner, have a career, participate in certain sports e.t.c but in Nigeria what do we get?? A bunch of women demanding to be wooed instead of standing there looking pretty, now it was the time for women to do the choosing, they would string along dozens of men, looking for the handsomest, kindest, sweetest, richest, did I mention richest? Yes, the richest men, that would take them “overseas and buy them diamond ring and do things they won’t believe” and these men that are able to do these things for them are chosen to be the father of their kids.
Now again, if you followed the chain of events leading to this union, you’ll find out that once again our women had no need to ever prove their love.

Let’s fast forward some more, to let’s say, this generation. You’ll find out that the females of this generation are from the loins of these 60s and 70s women, women that were wooed with the biggest bush meat and thickest george wrapper. Now do you expect these women of super vaginas and incredibly high standards to let their daughters have any less?? Oh no you didn’t!!! The other day I was complaining of a heart break almost getting a bout of depression and my mother goes “its boy matter that’s making you behave this way?? Hmmm you are no daughter of mine, in my days…….” She went on for quite a bit about how she was a hot piece of ass and how many bush meat she got, I zoned out after an hour or so. According to her, men were supposed to make the grand romantic gestures, they are the ones supposed to be heartbroken for not being manly enough to win the girl”s affection, basically all I could understand from what she said is “stand there and look pretty” (sounds familiar anyone??). So while my mates are showing their lovers how much they love them with luxury cars (Kim k anyone?) And luxury watches I’m here, “standing there and looking pretty” hoping to snag myself a hot piece of rich ass.

Now that we are done with the courtship aspect of this article, let’s focus on the relationship aspect. We’ve been taught by our friends, elder sisters and sometimes mothers that the only gift we can give to our men is our bodies. Its the only way to prove our “love”. Say its our husband/boyfriend’s birthday, how do we tell him happy birthday? We take our clothes off, or they buy us something pretty, how do we thank them? We take our clothes off. Now it has even become an expected and almost compulsory gesture, say your man gets a raise in the office, what does he hear in the locker room? “Man you gon get some today” or ” man you gonna get lucky tonight”. This tried and tested “reward” for good behavior has been a part of our society for so long its become a tradition and it works or else it wouldn’t have lasted for so long.

Now you say not all romantic gestures has to be big and “out there” the little things count or the thought behind it, is what matters. An example of a small romantic gesture, say, breakfast in bed, if your significant other brings you breakfast in bed what’s the first thing that pops into your head?? This is romance?? Haha! I think not!! The first thing that comes to mind is “this is her duty”, if she should wash and iron your clothes, you think “its her duty” she tidies the house for your return, you go “its her duty” she buys you nice clothes you go “I work so much I barely have time, its her duty to take care of me” she programmed your favorite show “its her duty” you go again. Now in the west these little gestures are actually considered romantic but over here “its just her duty”.

Now unto big gestures if a woman should take her man on a luxurious vacation in Nigeria , do you think people would go “so romantic” or “na she dey spend for the man body?? Yup! “Na she dey spend for the man body” is totally the reaction you’d get, some men might even find such gesture emasculating. Or a woman does something like write her man’s name on the side of an airplane what reaction does she get “poor woman, so desperate, last last the man go still fuck about”. Now why on earth would you think I’d go out of my way (with the way the economy is) to do something and get that type of reaction, when I can just stand there and look pretty??

Well I think I’ve got it guys!! Nigerian women are not romantic because we don’t know how to be and mostly, we are not expected to be.

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Professor Niro XVII

There are three people that you should not forget in life: the man who brewed your beer, the man who chilled the beer and the man who served the beer. – Sir Pun Starr 2013 AD

On that note, you’re welcome to today’s edition of the annual Naija-Dude Scientific lecture. I am your lecturer for today and we are going to be testing the hypothesis, Nigerian girls are the most unromantic of the female species. Unfortunately, your professor today, is a professor of theology, so we’re going to church. *rings Terry G’s bell*

Before we go on, let’s first create a common ground for the understanding of key terms as it were.

A Nigerian is someone of Nigerian descent (from the republic of Nigeria), whether male or female, living in Nigeria or diaspora.

The word female originates from Old French femele, from Medieval Latin femella (“a female”), from Latin femella (“a young female, a girl”), diminutive of femina (“a woman”).

Just so you know, the English spelling was remodeled under the influence of male, which is not etymologically related. With this definition of mine, I hope, I have been able to prove to you without reasonable doubt that the adage, “What a man can do, a woman can do better”, because they are not even related.

According to a famous biologist, a female refers to the sex of an organism, or a part of an organism, which produces non-mobile ova (egg cells). Most female mammals, including human females, have two X chromosomes. He went further to state that a female [pronounced as fee-meyl] is a person that bears two X chromosomes in the cell nuclei and normally having a vagina, a uterus and ovaries, and developing at puberty a relatively rounded body and enlarged breasts [See how he cleverly excluded A cups] and retaining a beardless face; a girl or woman.

Since we have created a common understanding of what a female is, can we now define the word romance? *turns around looks at lecture hall*

I can’t even lie, the only idea of romance I know, is of Shakespearean plays; I don’t know what that other romance is, as I am still the executive vice chairman of National Council for the Prevention and Protection of Team Forever Alone Members, Rivers Chapter for 3 years running K

The dictionary (can’t remember which of them again) describes the word romance as fanciful; impractical; unrealistic: ideas. Nah. I’m serious. It even went on to say that it is a scenario in which traits of a desire for adventure, chivalry, etc. with ONE person are most dominant. [See how they clearly omitted double dating?]

@oprite: But we were told romance is the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love. (@pwetiefibbs cuts in)

@pwetiefibbs: Yes, I read somewhere that romance usually implies an expression of one’s strong romantic love, or one’s deep and strong emotional desires to connect with another person intimately or romantically, that is, the expressive and pleasurable feeling from an emotional attraction towards another person associated with love.

Sigh.

I know I didn’t ask for definitions, but seeing that we are in this class to learn and share ideas, I think I might just borrow a few things from the definitions these ladies have offered.

Do you know that during the initial stages of a romantic relationship, there is more often more emphasis on emotions—especially those of love, intimacy, compassion, appreciation, and affinity—rather than physical intimacy. Please note PHYSICAL INTIMACY. In other words, if all you can offer a boy is your body, you’re not romantic… except the boo is a ritualist, then fine. Can we go on?

@ThelazyMedic: Wise one, why do you say Nigerian females are not romantic?

I’ve not said so yet… but to answer this question, can we turn our bibles (tablets for those of you digital kids) to the thirty and first book of Proverbs, and read from the tenth to the thirty and first verse? I’m reading from the Contemporary English Version (CEV)

I’m going to assume that the female in question is not a P, more like, she’s the official boo… Here we go.

10.  A truly good wife is the most precious treasure a man can find! – A romantic Nigerian female is the most precious treasure a man can find.

11. Her husband depends on her, and she never lets him down. – Can your boyfriend/husband trust you with his money to purchase a FIFA13 game without cutting the money for that watch you’ve had eyes for? Rarely.

12. She is good to him every day of her life, – What this means is that, she respects UCL and EPL time. She understands that he’s busy when a Manchester united game is on and she brings him his favorite beer at half time.

13. And with her own hands she gladly makes clothes. – This doesn’t apply to tailors/seamstresses, but how many Nigerian females will see the boo’s torn shirt and bring out her Singer™ sewing machine to stitch it up? Scratch that, how many Nigerian women have home sewing machines or know how to spin a yarn? [yes, I did Home Economics]

14. She is like a sailing ship that brings food from across the sea. – Let’s replace sea with kitchen. How many of you, know how to stand in the kitchen and would not be like my ex that will tell me, “I will sweat if I cook” and instead prefer to eat at a fastfood. Now they are acting like they don’t know they’re the reason KFC came to Naija. *smh*

15. She gets up before daylight to prepare food for her family and for her servants. – Long thing. Now most of them will be forming “feminist”, when they wake up in the morning, before the oga of the house will even have his bath sef, they’re already swearing in traffic. Sigh. Go on

16. She knows how to buy land and how to plant a vineyard, – Did you see that? She can buy land if she has the money and won’t wait for oga to ‘bring moni’ and when she buys the land, she goes ahead to make an ‘ugwu’ farm. How many of you girls do this? How many?

17. and she always works hard. – In the bed.

18 She knows when to buy or sell, and she stays busy until late at night. – She has the gift of foresight, she is intelligent and spends her late nights working on powerpoint presentations instead of twitpicing nudes.

19 She spins her own cloth, – How many of you naija females make your own ‘buba’ material? None.

22 She does her own sewing, and everything she wears is beautiful. –

26 Her words are sensible, and her advice is thoughtful. – She thinks before she makes statements like, “I cannot wash my boyfriend’s clothes or cook for him”

27 She takes good care of her family and is never lazy. – She does not wake up on a Saturday morning and tweet, “Today I don’t feel like doing anything”.

28 Her children praise her, and with great pride her husband says,

29 “There are many good women, but you are the best!” – This means she does not have low self-esteem. You do not get long hair, you import from Brazil; you do not have long eye lashes, the USA will not have peace etc

He who has eyes, let him see… and if you’re already ‘hating’ on a brother, please read 1 John 3: 15 (KJV)

Are Nigerian females unromantic? Mathew 7: 1-5 answers it.

@Punstarr

 

The Naija-Dude’s Hypothesis

True Story.

True Story.

*cue heroic music please*

* climbs stage*

Err….yea, you may start applauding now!

Thank you!

Another beautiful day people. The heat is killing me tho’ and if I have to introduce myself one more time here then you’re the first Nigerian to be diagnosed with the dyslexia/ADHD combo, as prescribed by that mama you refused to help fetch water the last time you visited the village.

😀

It’s really gonna be an hectic week, starting with me forgetting the fact that I’ve got a crazy ass test this week and the fact that I’ve just received a call to notify me that I’ve gat not just one but 2 tests and also a madt practical too. Please note that these academic chores all have something wrong with them psychologically. The amazing thing about this all is the fact that despite the fact that I’ve got scary things to read for, I’m still taking out time to write this.

This brings me to my current location which subsequently lead to the formation of the hypothesis. I’d like you to bear some things in mind.

1. An hypothesis is a proposed explanation made on the basis of limited evidence as a starting point for further investigation.

2. This is not a symposium to castigate the Nigerian woman, we’re simple here to find out if she’s really without that in built receptor for romantic signals and vibes and if she isn’t, why?

The idea for this came last night, this Naija Dude was sitting in one of the mundane lecture theaters dem law people seem to have round their faculty, trying to study for a test when I “overheard” the conversation between two girls behind me.

What?

I wasn’t eavesdropping!

……Like really I wasn’t eavesdropping!!

…………Just to clear any wrong impressions you may have, I wasn’t eavesdropping!!!

Moving on, the cute one’s “toaster” had apparently written her a poem on a rose colored paper and if that wasn’t enough, had made the unforgivable mistake of presenting it to her in the presence of her cronies….In this 21st century!

Like seriously dude? *hangs a big “L” on his neck*

So I sat there cringing at the amount of insults and curse words this two innocent looking babes are directing at this poor guy. If wishes were horses, then a very delicate part of his anatomy would get head-butted by a stallion. Not an almost smiling happily ever after mild horsy peeps, I mean a crazy lassa fever stricken, mad cow disease infected and elephantiasis of the balls infested stallion.

Yea, these girls are that… for lack of a better word; innocent.

So this has got me thinking, are the female variants of the Nigerian human species that immune to ROMANCE?

The guy had obviously put a lot thought and work into writing her that poem, even to the point of buying rose colored writing paper.
If we are to go by the many romance movies and novels the same girls devour in huge quantities, one would expect her to be sitting at a window ledge at the moment, back lit by the oh so huge moon, holding the letter close to her heart and thinking bout le poet.

*sighs*

This little tableau has led me to believe that Naija gals are not moved by what they feel and rather by what they see, want and need… does that make sense to you? Lemme just state the hypothesis.

The Naija Dude Hypothesis:

“Nigerian girls are the most unromantic of the female species”

I’m sorry you think I’m being to harsh. You see, Valentine’s is around the corner and the guys have got to know what to do and how to handle the intricate delicate loop that is the feminine sensibilities.

So for the next few days, I’m gonna have me some learned folks, a few esteemed professors and one particular disgraced and ridiculed Doctor of philosophy.

The aim of having the said poor academicians visit is to prove or disprove the hypothesis I had stated above.

Yesterday I was opportune to write the script for a radio show that came out awesome by the way, the show was all about love and how would you love to propose or be proposed to. So why writing the lovey-dovey fairy tale I knew everybody wanted to hear, I couldn’t help but think that the most romantic way of proposing to a Nigerian girl is to hand her a Ghana-must-go chocked full of money with your right hand, the keys to a Range Rover Sport with your left and fling the ring on the red earthen floor. Trust me she would scrabble for it.

On this note, I welcome you all to the first official Naija-Dude Symposium and I hope you have fun and also learn a bit while reading the subsequent posts.

*humble bow*

*Roaring applause*

*beht of cos…itz the NaijaDude*