jonzing (Finale): Blame it on the alcohol………and Murphy’s law

*enters stage right*

*roaring applause*

Beht of course. I am Naija Dude. *dusts shoulders*

*cues music* “it ends tonight”

Today’s post is just all sorts of awesome. Like how else did you think we were gonna end The Jonzing Series?! Big bro hugs for @Tshyka (my first guest writer) and @itzEDK (the pro ghost writer).

The Jonzing Series finale is a not-so-short post, like all true awesome ones and is a product of the incredibly werey, yet amazing mind of @ehienabs! You can catch her thoughts at here: ehienabs blog

*exits stage left*

*
Once upon a time, in the olden days, a few decades ago, when women put blush on their cheeks and men wore tuxedos and smelled nice… wait what??

Guy!!! Na my tory and I go talk am as I like… una too razz sef…..

As I was saying, there lived a princess and a prince… okay okay! I go talk, before una use eye kill me…

Like we never even tay for the club when I see say omo guy Kola done doze off and one not so sober chick like that was braiding his hair then it dawned on me that mehn, I gats find a chick braid my hair too… the hair on my other head that is….*winks* scratch that, winking is gay!

Anyways, I begin patrol the club small small using eye look and check out peeps. To my unlucky stars, most of the babes were either too drunk or were otherwise preoccupied. Anyhow sha, I just sighted Eedeekay and I made my way to task him for the meat we bought at Mama Sheddy’s – without paying and without her knowledge. Edeekay just arrange the meat sharply for me, no wahala, e be like say the guy done high.

So back to my hunt for a hairbraider. Not long after I left Eedeekay, I saw a beautiful bombshell. As in, this chick was hawttt! I mean she could just sit naked for all her fucking life and would just be awesome. She had the brightest pink lipstick on her lips that would be so perfect for errrr… hairbraiding, you dig! So I approached her, with my swag on and what not, all ready to get my game on and you know, phonè at the ready when suddenly girl opens her mouth and the razzest most welcoming words come out as she says: “Oga na ate hondred naira for won hour with condom, won thasand for one hour raw and na two hondred naira to suck dick per hour.” Omo mehn, I could not be happier.

Sharply I checked my wallet, removed 2k for tfare and stiil had about 2k left so I paid for 2 hours with condom of course, and I’m all psyched and ready to go when she says “you get condom so??” Eh?!! Condom for where??! I check my wallet and of course what do I see, NO CONDOM! So I tell this babe make she chill for the exit, I went to meet the bar man and he’s all like: “Oh go downstairs, I think they’ve closed but try your luck sha.”

Eh??

What luck??

Guy, we make our own luck!! Omo see sprinting!!!! Usain Bolt would’ve been proud!!!

So I get downstairs and what do I see?? They’ve packed up and were about to leave! Good God!!! Till this day, I’m not sure why, but I screamed. At the top of my lungs!

“MADAM GIMME TWO CONDOMS!!!!!!!”

The madam and her assistant just turned and looked at me, like I was some kind of freak, (well wasn’t I a freak?) *shrugs* Anyhow sha, the madam started yarning dust for me talmbout how they’ve locked up and shii, and then I had an epiphany and before I even thought about it, it came tumbling out of my mouth:

“Madam, na Durex I want.”

My dudes and dudettes, there is a saying passed on from my forefathers (and fuck you if you’ve never heard of it), it goes: “dem nor dey use Durex fuck okpo. E get why.” True story!

“Durex na 300 for one. shebi na two you wan buy??”

Mhen who was I to disagree??

“Yes ma, na two”

“Na becos you be my guy that why I dey sell am for you so oo”

Oh? Who cares? So I give her a thousand naira note and not until she gives me the 400 naira change before I realised what I had done.

Getting back to my mission, I begin find my way to back to the club and as I’m ascending the stairs I see Eedeekay trying to have a little one on one with my okpo. For what now?!

Sharply, I cleared him the matter, “Guy, abeg muzz! I don pay for this one jare”

“Bros, if he wan fuck, he nor go tok as e dey do am?”

Omo, who gave this okpo the audacity to talk?? By this time, some kain gay, anyhow song was playing, I think it was Mario’s “Let Me Love You” or so. Mehn, fuck that shii, I just grabbed my okpo’s hand and took her outside to find a suitable place to errrr…braid my hair.

We got outside now, time to braid hair reach and I can’t find a suitable place. Everywhere was either filled with vomit or people braiding their hair or stank of urine. Took us nearly an hour to find a place before I found one at the corner of the club. Madam okpo got down to business, first she took my top off, then off went my jeans, and my boxers, then she began using her hand… scratch that, she started using her pinky finger to wiggle my DICK, my big manly DICK! The fuck is that??!!!

“Come oo, na Godzilla you dey use play like that”
“Godzilla?” She asked , “E get level?, oya make I see how he fit show power reach”

BLACKOUT!

…and my guys, na there I remember reach, whether her phone rang, then she took me a picture, or there was lighting, mehn I don’t remember.

What I do remember is someone kicking me to wake up. Now, see I’m not exaggerating or lying, neither was I that stupidly drunk. Well… maybe a little bit stupid. But this man/beast that was kicking me awake was like 20ft tall (like I said I’m not exaggerating) black as night, with muscles big enough for Mike Tyson to use as weights, the dude was almighty! So the reason why I said what I said next is beyond me.

“I no dey get up from here except person wan fuck me”

Please, don’t judge me, I haven’t gotten any in months!!!!

I notice that this beast-person (let’s call him “Bruce”) started unbuckling his belt… wait, you’re asking me why?? I can say he had no plans of using the belt to beat me. Let’s just leave it like that. It took me about 180 seconds to realise this nigga’s plans for me. I gotta say, I’m proud of what I did next.

I bit his hand that he was about to use and flip me over, then I kicked him in the nuts, picked my boxers up and started running for my dear life, I RAN. Picked Race. Fast As Lightening. Got The Fuck Away From Him!!!

I’m not sure why God saved my life, but one thing I’m sure of is, what I did next was not the reason why God saved me. When I was sure Bruce was not on my heels I slowed to a walk, with my singlet looking like that of a lebuke and my boxers barely hanging on my my waist. Next thing I knew, I saw my very own okpo/mammy water/obanje/Nneka, the pretty serpent/queen of the coast. A wise, normal young man would have simply asked for his belongings and be on his merry way but what does a nigga like me do?? I ask that madam okpo to render the services which I paid for earlier (like I said, I’m pretty sure this was not why God saved my life).

To cut long story short, aunty started apologising saying that she’ll even add a complimentary blowjob, on the house of course and with that, I forgot all my woes. She takes my hand and starts leading me towards the gate, quite close to the security quarters. Still drunk, but apprehensive as fuck, I asked this babe why and she responds dryly: “dem bodi gard pipo go dey inside club now, dem go dey drive pipo wey done too drink, wey dey do anyhow”
Made sense to me! Of course it did.

Well to her credit, that place was actually convenient so she takes off my boxers and starts tearing what’s left of her skimpy top and before I could say “boobs”, she starts yelling. At the top of her fucking voice. A voice that I’m sure has be prepped and trained through years and years of professional dick sucking (I try not to judge people but seriously this girl was a witch).

She starts screaming: “RAPE!!! RAPE OOO!!! ONOME COME O!!!!! RAPE!!!!” I’m trying to hush her. Begging. Even almost crying sef, for where?!?!! I’m confused. Scared even.

Who the hell is Onome? Why is she calling him? Is he a guard?

Then I catch a glimpse of his shadow. His almighty frame is coming towards us. Bruce is coming. Perfect! Of course Bruce just has to be Onome.

I’m not sure what type of sorcery glued my feet to the ground but I actually waited till Bruce arrived and, this madam okpo/queen of the coast/obanje/mammy water starts telling her ludicrous tale of how I approached her and she turned me down because I looked crazy without clothes and then I began my attempted rape.

THE FUCK??!!!!

See eh, I swear, I actually planned on explaining my self and the words I thought of were: “she stole my clothes and that she actually lead me here willingly”, but you’d never believe the words that came out of my mouth!

“HE TRIED TO RAPE ME!!!”

Oh, and did I mention that I yelled that out loud?!

Bruce/Onome/Beast looks me in the eye and I aint gotta tell you how fast I ran for my dear life! And yes I forgot my boxers,

So… here I am.

Running for my life.

Half naked.

Thinking all hope is lost.

Suddenly I run into the most unlikely, yet welcoming (as at that time) person in the world, the guard that let us in. I explained myself to him and in my opinion, I think I did a good job too because according to him this is what I said: “He raped me, then there was an obanje and she screamed rape and I can’t remember the name of my boxers”
pssssst!!! Abeg I know as I dey high and I nor high reach like that.

The guard insisted that I go get my boxers (apparently Godzilla was making him uncomfortable) so I beg him to follow me (yes I’m a bitch, thanks) and we go to the car park where I’m hoping Aunty Obanje and Uncle Bruce are still there awaiting the wrath of this security personnel. Beht of course they weren’t there. And they left me a message; my unnamed boxers soaked in urine (someone please shoot me now). Oga security man starts asking me where my two assailants are and I should give him a recap of my story (after I’ve worn my urine soaked boxers, of course). I begin the recap and he starts pointing his flashlight in my eyes, talmbout how my pupils are dilated and how they take their drug policy very seriously. Mehn, fuck that! I’m trying to convince this nigga that a man did try to rape me and he goes “them no they do that kian thing for Naija, all those thing na oyinbo thing, I repeat oga which drug you take??” Omo mehn, my own done finish.

Oga Security asks if I’m alone. I told him that I came with a few friends. I described Eedeekay to him and he radios a colleague… next thing I knew, thunder strikes and showers of blessing starts blessing me… heavily.

‘Bout 15 minutes later, I see Edeekay coming. His face spelt it out.
W-A-H-A-L-A D-E-Y!!

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Jonzing (Episode 3): Earl jones de Smirnoff III

I was hung over….

SHIT!

I’m always hung over. So when I walked in that plonker’s crib and he started acting awkward, I didn’t give it much thought. Actually, my brain can’t stand thinking about alotta shii at the moment.

As usual, I’m pretty sure the dude has got some convoluted idea of what happened that night buh Imma tell you the truth: half of what he says is probably true, the other half; bullshit! To put it mildly.

Lemme set the record straight:

1) I had absolutely nothing to do with it,
2) In fact, if I had known something like that was happening, or was about to happen I would have pulled the hell outta there.
3) I actually had an inkling to it happening when I realized I was standing under the rain, outside the club, with three other dudes n the security man, begging an “okpo”.

Chei….me!

A whole me!!

Son of me Fada, stand under rain dey beg ashawo. If nothing else, please blame it on the alcohol.

Nor worry, I go tell you werrin happen, it wasn’t my fault *shrugs* so I’m not ashamed of it. You know what? Let’s back up a bit…

***an hour earlier**

“Kokolet go down lemme introduce you to the black mamba!”

Just as the sex-appeal-oozing babe I was dancing with was about to drop down for an introduction to the black mamba, I felt my phone buzzing. Mehn….what the fuck?!
If na Vincent wan beg me make I allow am dance with this babe mehn e berrah ready go look bush oo.

Alas it was Vincent again, buh the stoned niggur didn’t want a go at my dancing party partner. Apparently, something was up with one of the other dude in our posse of 5.
*sighs* Tereson was thinking sideways again. No, not in the cool way like Owl City does. No, that was just too sophisticated for this niccuh as he is kinda more of an Olamide person. He was always “reasoning dust.”

The dude was going through a dry spell since his girlfriend left him. The niggur hadn’t gotten any in two months! That’s 14 weeks yo! 60 un-fucking days! Dude was in pain! His tadpoles had completed their life cycle in his balls and were now frogs… and for some reason, recently, niccuh had being having serious acne issue.

So when Vincent slurred in my ears: “mayday, we’ve got three men down”, and managed to slobber all over me while trying to do so, that my niccuh had disappear into the gloom with a chick he suspected to be a “working geh”, I was pretty sure that wahala dey!

No judgement on Tereson, buh this was one line I knew I wouldn’t want to cross, and by default all the guys in my crew. So I got out me phone, went on our BBM group and holla’d a mayday out…..”niccuhz convaj by the VIP door ASAP! We’ve gat a code RED on our hands!……HIV/AIDS level code red oo”

Do I need to tell ya the message didn’t do shit? Which niccuh in his right mind go dey check him bb when he dey club surround by hot girls and plenty alcohol? Kola was peacefully crossing the atlantic on the couch, I had left Ayo in the restaurant below napping with his head on a plate of fried rice, and now apparently Tereson had joined the “jonzing” club.

After a few precious minutes were wasted hunting out Vincent from the so called “garden” he was chillin’ in with a “not so easy on the eye” chique, Vincent led the briefing and we got to tweet some pics….hehe, get that? And we all set out to find that fucking guy before sumtin happen to him and his “godzilla” out in the open air. That’s what friends are for innit?

So began the hunt for the elusive Tereson. I searched everywhere. He was nowhere to be found. Till this day, I have no idea where he went. All I know is that an hour later, just when I had decided to rest the matter and leave the niccuh to his vices, the huge and highly muscled bouncer walked up to me.

You know how they say when you’re about to die your life flash before your eyes? Well dudes and dudettes, when you think you’re about to be evicted from a club, in front of all the babes and dudes you don dey front for since, you also do some soul searching too…

But all the dude did was walk up to me and say: “guy show outside, your friend don fuck up”

What the fuck has this niccuh gotten into now again na?

“Bros, abeg which of my friends be that?”

I was then informed that it was the dude with the “all back” hairstyle, and he had informed them that I was his next of kin and begged that I be called. Mehn, if I tell you that I wasn’t tempted to deny him right there and then, I’m the biggest liar in all the land. But a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. I decided to go see for myself how deep a hole Tereson had dug for himself.

*third sigh of the night*

Now,here was ma niccuh, sitting on the clubs car park floor, wearing only his boxers and singlet; like I said, wahala dey!

Gimme a minute. I gotta get something to drink, my throat feels like a box of rusty nails.

*sips alomo*

*clears throat*

*snaps fingers*

Okkie….lemme tell you wah happened after.

I guess you’re wondering how my real niccuh went from lying passed out with his fly open to sitting on the carpark floor clad in only his underwear? And I, a boss like moi, standing under the rain… Guess what…me too!

Jonzing (Episode 2): Lord Jones MacVodka II

What’s up my dudes and dudettes?!

How’s everybody doing tonight (err…depending on your time zone)…

So I went ahead and got me a guest writer. Yes, ’cause I like to help showcase talents and shii…..ok, actually we just wanna give you guys a treat…so…

Here’s my first ever guest writer, writing the second part of The Jonzing Series. I present to you: the one, the only, the Awesome @Tshyka!!

*** ***

I tried as much as I could to keep my cool and pray he didn’t just see what move I had made or at least too drunk to care but……I pray oh!! Nigga was higher than the freezing pinnacle of everest but his senses were still as sharp as the edges of a matured spear grass (no reason am, if that thing cut you…). So Tereson walks up to me in his half drunk half sane state to ask for his own share of the stolen piece of meat and well to avoid a yoruba man’s fury when he’s drunk, I obliged even though I was bittered and kept praying I had a chance to get back at him that night.

The dance floor was gradually becoming empty, only having a few couples doing the slow dance to mario’s ” let me love you” and a few more making use of the few available couch and seats in more fleshy intimate affairs. I saw a girl stand at the exit that led to the rest room the building’s basement held, after a few moments to rehearse my ice-breaker lines, I made a move towards her walking in the most alluring way my half drunk state could muster still expecting the worst of personalities too for I’ve learnt not to expect so much from girls this part of the world. “You do look like you need a bro to make you feel right, wanna get a taste of this sinful delight on the dance floor?” I said trying to sound as inviting as I could but she made no move even if it were just to regard my presence. Well, more work needed I encouraged myself “I gotta say when it comes to pleasing the ladies I’m a maverick”

I moved to lean towards her supporting my body with my hand against the wall just then Tereson ascended from stairs below and shoved me off “Edeekay I don pay for this one jare” he said “omo boy, you know this okobo wey just dey speak oyinbo here since? If he wan fuck he nor go tok as e dey do am?” The hooker ranted, Oh well, I knew better than to expect so much I consoled myself.

I moved back to dance floor and got lucky with a not-so-easy-to-like girl seeing as the gods of beauty and looks had denied her the physical graces of a female. Who cared anyway, she had soft cleavages and her hands seemed to love the feel of my woody fellow “I might as well just enjoy the moment while it lasted” I thought to myself and allow the moment move at its pace.
An hour later, I took a walk outside to get a breath of fresh air and so I went to a corner that looked like it was supposed to be a garden but then mismanagement happened. I was about to start giving thanks to my stars for sending the drunk girl my way when I started hearing little streams of laughter a little distance away and then something that sounded like Tereson’s voice said “na Godzilla you dey use play like that” “Godzilla?” The second voice I assumed to be the hooker’s voice said “E get level?, oya make I see how he fit show power reach” and then I heard nothing except for what seemed like the rustling of jeans, a phone rang and a few seconds later I saw the hooker walk hurriedly past me into a waiting car outside the gate when my instincts told me to trail her.

I hurried back to where the service to Tereson was supposed to be rendered and saw him lying on the floor, he’d passed out with his “Godzilla” looking up as if to get at the moon. I quickly searched him for his belongings but found none, apparently the hooker had made away with them. I quickly pulled out my phone, and took some shots “that’s for twitter I said” feeling happy I could revenge for the meat he shared with me knowing I needed it bad and then I went to call the rest.

Mayday! We’ve got three men down.

jonzing!

As darkness fell over Sapele that Friday evening, it met five dudes in very high spirits. After a month of hard, back-breaking work courtesy UNIBEN/UBITS, we were finally gonna take a night off and go for some sight-seeing…*scratch that*….lemme be honest joor, we were going to PAKUROMO KO JO DADA!

Location: Songhai-Delta, Amukpe
Date: Unimportant
Events: very eventful

By 9pm sharp we were all geared up and ready to go. Body dey hot, but as we all know, that was way too early to go to a club; except sey we wan go help them sweep and wash tumblers. So we decided to chill out at Mama Sheddy’s joint close by and “do one for the road.”

FACT about the average varsity dude still having problems knowing his limits: expose him to an unlimited supply of alcohol and mehn you berrah get ready to take him home, undress him, bathe him and then rub his back when he cries for mummy!

As you may have already guessed, our so called “one for the road” metamorphosed into about “five for the road.” Life was good! Truth was, we had even forgotten that we were supposed to be going somewhere until it popped into everybody’s mind at the same time! Yeah, alcohol does that to ya. Plenty alcohol!

Anyway, the time was close to midnight when an impromptu argument broke out. Some of the dudes led by Ayo wanted to call the cab, while I was adamant that we had to wait till exactly midnight to call the cab. Apparently, if the time wasn’t exactly midnight, the world was gonna end and I could already see the demon holding a hot red poker in his hand… *sigh* What can I say? By 12:45, we were on on our way to the club.

Another FACT about your average varsity dude; once he starts drinking, it’s pretty hard to stop… until he HAS to stop!

Anyway our self-acclaimed Kola had decided that stopping at 4 bottles was an insult to his personality and lineage because according to him, he come from a proud line of drunks and drug addicts(no comment pls). So he got himself a bottle of vodka, which he refused to share(so we all just had to get ourself a bottle each…the small one sha oo), and nursed it all the way to TM International Urhobo Nite Club(yea….seriously, that’s the best we could do).

I’m gonna admit this one time and one time only, we were pretty out of it. Our first surprise was at the gate. Apparently you had to pay to enter a club in Sapele(who the hell does that?!). But trust UNIBEN boys na! You say pay wettin?

After working our magic on the bouncers… you no fit go UNIBEN make you no sabi washee na… we had made a couple of huge and highly muscled pals, we were free to enter the place *2face’s voice*

That’s where we met surprise numéro deux. The club was packed full of babes. Everywhere! For every dude there, there were at least three UNATTACHED cool looking babes. THREE!!! Apparently, Sapele babes love to party. Mehn, after all those Hall 2 car park grooves, you know, the ones where three guys go dey follow the babe dance while another three wait their turn….yeah those! Sapele was different. This was quite a treat!

Now, FACT about the average UNIBEN dude; he acts superior, most times feels inferior and is 9 outta 10 times broke.

We turned our swag a notch higher, strolled into the club like we were in charge, grabbed a booth, sat down, ordered a round of the Ultimate… and that was when all hell began to break loose.

Lemme fast forward a bit… »»»

An hour later…

»»»»»

Our very own Kola was fast asleep on one of the club’s couches, and his bottle of the Ultimate had being appropriated by one niccuh like that…*shrugs*, he had evidently reached his limit, exceeded it and decided to use it as a beacon of hope as he crossed the Atlantic in his dreams, and err… his hair was being braided by the chique he had been talking to *shrugs again*. As he had refused to wake up and I had better things on my mind, I left him and went downstairs, bought a plate of grub, which was pretty expensive. As I was about to sit, Ayo walked in too, clearly alcohol-addled brains’ pathways fired alike.

Best. Mozing. Ever!

My hommie was sitting across from me, munching on his fried rice when he suddenly decided to have a closer relationship with the plate. Really! My niccuh was sleeping, with his head lying on the mound of fried rice, a bottle of Fanta by his side. I did what any good friend would have done. I reached across and collected his piece of chicken, bottle of Fanta, moved to the opposite table and pretended not to know him…

Shit! the niccuh just walked in….