If you can notice the tears amidst my sweat, then just know they are neither as a result of sorrow nor joy, but rather the handiwork of Alomo on the rocks.
So its true what they say about Calabar girls. I hadn’t being in this country for up to a month before I heard the Calabar girls legend, and here was I, barely 3 months old and I have already confirmed the hypothesis: Calabar girls are FREAKY!!!!
I know what you’re all thinking….
Yes I do, and it goes a long way to show how pervy you guys are. But its definitely not what you’ve gat on your mind.
You know what, lemme just tell you the story of how I became the happiest Nigerian on the planet Krypton.
I guess I should here enlighten you on the fact that I regard Nigeria as a world in another galaxy; this sorta country cannot exist in our solar system while you chill in your cribs drinking margaritas.
The day had began fine, I had gone to class, which as usual was freaking hot. Well, this entire country is always hot so what exactly did you expect of a lecture theatre containing over a thousand students but is “supposed” to sit 500? I was lucky today, I actually had a seat, well it didn’t have much to do with luck than hard work and preparedness. Seeing as our class was supposed to start by 8am and I was already seated by 6. If you didn’t care to introduce your butt to the floor just to receive lectures, then you had gatz to be seated at least a couple of hours prior.
Today’s class had a silver lining though….
Me and my friends were excited and practically restless all through. It was Bonna’s birthday today and we were gonna have a party tonight. A party that we had spent a whole full month preparing for. A party that promised to be the bomb diggity.
I know right? I can’t believe I just said “bomb diggity” too.
Before I go on and narrate how I was made “happy”, I’d like to give you a glimpse of the road to Bonna’s birthday bash.
April 1st 2013
We were going to scope out a suitable venue for the party. Hit a bikeman with Bonna’s car and ended up spending approximately 10K
April 7th 2013
On our way to pay for the party venue, got arrested by the police and ended up spending 10K.
April 14th 2013
On our way back from purchasing drinks for the party, got held again by the police and the drinks( 35K worth) were confiscated as evidence while we had to spend 5K
April 15th 2013
On our way to purchase meat for the party, Seun then in his infinite wisdom and years of driving experience decided to hit a soldier’s car……. Do I need say more except “15K and lots of begging?”
April 18th 2013
On our way to pick Bonna’s Girlfriend to help out with the cooking, got arrested again.
I think it’s high time I let y’all in on a little secret. You see my friend Bonna, he has a penchant for getting arrested by the police. In fact he’s so at home at the back of a police van that its scares me.
Let us keep moving on….
You can see that even before the party got start we had spent more than 50k on “non-party” related expense. So err….. Well, we were broke.
We couldn’t cancel the party, not without falling our hands and like Chika would say “chook it inside roadside mud” so we decided to do what broke boys who wanted to party do, we bought a lotta cheap booze.
And many other drinks, hot, vengeful and most importantly, cheap.
But that is by the way side.
Classes had ended and the sun had disappeared to where every it goes when night comes. The party had started and trust Uniben boys, they would drink Camel piss if you term it “booze”. So all was well in the world. I had started my drinkathon with a couple tort bottles of Calidon and from there moved on to the weed spiked palm wine. Moms had always talked about palm wine and how her own grandpa had been a tapper. I’m very sure she hadn’t had it in combination with weed though, it gave it a smooth dusky woodsy finish which was awesome. I actually made a mistake earlier. Now, all was well with Mother Earth.
I was a little bit tipsy but earnestly working on getting a serious buzz on. To be honest I was seriously amazed. No other people partied like Nigerians. This was my first party since I had come to Uniben and compared to parties I had attended at home with their Fun and Taylor Swift “playlists”, this party was extreme! Guys were twisting and girls gyrating. Doing various variation of the dance that obviously the craze now. Az….. Err… I’ll let you know when I remember.
Now I was seriously high and didn’t even hesitate when Immabong asked me to dance with her. You’ve got to know the following facts to imagine the scene that follows.
1). I was seriously high
2). I’m a terrible dancer
3). Ms. Imma is mind numbing hot
4). I was freaking high
5). And I was fucking High….pardon my french
So when she had asked me to dance and as I can vaguely remember, May D’s “Gat Me High” was playing, I’ve got to confess that another entirely different song was playing in my head.
March of the Four seasons by Vivaldi.
Yes. Everybody was dancing to a party song and I was dancing to classical music. And yes, I was that high.
I can see you’re already getting bored, actually me also so I’m gonna spare you the painful details of how that “dance” went and fast forward to the meat of the cow.
The following was actually told to me by my friends as I can’t remember nada. The last clear scenario I can remember was when Ms. Imma asked me to dance so I can’t really vouch for the authenticity of the proceeding details.
So while I was on the dance floor, standing straight, tall, proud and conducting the Philharmonic orchestra in my imaginations hands flaying about….. Imma had gone to town on me.
Like I said, Nigerian parties were off the hook and it seems this girl had been born with some bones lacking in her hips. So when she had twisted and whyne and gyrated all over me, according to Nickfish3r;
I. Had. Gone. Stupid
According to Philip the following conversation ensued amongst us when it had taken 5 boys to stop me from pursuing Imma all around the party venue and fishing her out from wherever she was cowering in fear.
“Dude you alright? Why you dey chase Ms. Imma round everywhere?” Apparently I had stared at him like a Tibetan monk in a trance. “Why Phil?! why are you doing this mahn?! you saw the way she was grinding me mahn, obviously she wants the D, and I’m gonna give it to her….she has got to have it!”
“Guy chill joor, why would she be running if she wanted the D? You’re so wasted” Philip was now again angry and seeing as alcohol brought out the aggressive part of the nigga, he was so gonna get even more angry.
“Dude leave me the fuck alone. I think she’s one of them kinky chicks mahn, I think she likes it freaky, and like the bible said nigga, the kingdom of heaven suffereth violence and violent men take it by force”
And again I attempted to resume my search for Immabong. “I’m so gonna occupy her by force mahn”
Philip was now very very angry. “Solomon, you do know its my girlfriend we’re taking about right?” ”
“Of course I do phil, and its obvious you’re lacking in a certain direction.I’m very sure i can make her fuck for a buck,
Do something strange for a lil bit of change And I know I can make her holla for a dollar, they called me the California Sequoia back home you know, cause I’ve got a massive…… By the way you gat any condoms?”
Well, Philip…… punched my lights out!