Actually saw this post on miabaga.com and it was so awesome I just had to write my own version. Here goes nada…..
My Dearest Tonto Dikeh,
Would you be my valentine?
Please do give this the utmost consideration. if you would be my valentine, let me say then that I’m the most privileged of all men. I know you may need help making up your mind or your Personal Assistant or secretary may want to throw this letter out even without reading it and that’s why I’ve included the bomb threat in the outside envelope. I’m sure after they’ve discovered I’m just a simple man in love the police will either coerce you to be my valentine or throw you in jail.
I’ve spent the last 2 days researching what it means to be a valentine and let me take this medium to say that I only hacked your twitter and your facebook and in fact all your online accounts out of love, to be closer to you. And when you’re ready to declare your love for me to the world I’d be happy to return them back to you and delete the tweets I’ve posted even though you’ve seemed to like them.
If you will not be my valentine then I’m pretty sure you want us to answer to a higher calling. I’ve heard mutual suicide is fun, we can even try the whole murder-suicide deal instead if you’re into that kind of thing…..I’m more of a self immolation kinda guy.
But wait, I navigate ahead of my self. I’ve not introduced myself. Sure I’ve spent countless hours on your Time Line on twitter and being your loyal voltron throughout the trying times that followed the release of your singles but I’ve never, as yet, being opportune to formally introduce myself.
They call me…..The Naija- Dude.
Ha my sweet po’ero, I see your quick toss of hair and snobbish grimace as you wonder if I’m one of those perverts transfixed by your husky voice and nicotine stained lips.
You’re right my dear, I’m even more than transfixed. I’m bamboozled and mesmerized by your succubus smile, your cute bunny ears and your POKO hash tags.
There is no hope for me.
Marry me, my sugar banana.
Consider the advantages, I’ve discussed them below.
My luscious apple, if you marry me, you will be fully protected in all your shows, in fact I’ll be like MTN, Everywhere you go. No more would you refuse shows and performance for fear of being mobbed. I’ve read all there is to read about rescuing damsels in distress and even negotiation techniques in lynching situations and the combo of Samuel L. Jackson, Chuck Norris and the 3 million Nigerian binshes on twitter who hate you and your vocal chords won’t be able to get passed me. I’ll be like Gandalf with a cape on (YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!).
Secondly, the possibility exists that with your supernatural powers (of starring in movies set in pre-colonial times and having a needle imprinted tattoo) and my innate talent for discovering and stalking…. sorry, attracting talented people, there’s the possibility that our children could be the very first of a race of super powerful and super intelligent humans. I can just see it now: junior organize and leads the first and greatest crime family in Nigeria, while his sister at first handles the prostitution branch of it and later breaks away to build the tallest brothel in the world.
Where else but Abu-Dhabi?
You and I will bask in parental pride, secured in the knowledge that our union has benefited the world immensely. You especially, knowing they inherited these special genes from you.
As I said, the possibility exists.
Thirdly you don’t have to worry about the chance of you falling out of love with me, I’ve heard this saying “Out of sight is out of mind” and that’s why you’re never gonna be out of my sight. I’ll be Gollum and you’ll be the ring to unite all rings. My precious…..
I’m not saying I’m gonna be possessive or jealous. No, I’m just saying I’ll always be your trustee handbag. Anywhere you go, just feel safe and loved, cause I’ll be watching!.
Have you seen Les Miserables yet? I’m only asking because I haven’t and everyone is going on and on about it.
My Sweetest Sugarplum, I know we have a lot to figure out, but let us ignore the little details of whether you love me or whether you want to get married at all or whether you will be able to stand me. You must believe me when I say those are minor details.
Say you will be my valentine, that is all I ask.
And if you cannot grant that, grant me your
personage in marriage.
And if that proves impossible, could I please have your phone number, house address and your word that you will never ever ever take out a restraining order against me?
Thank you, My Strawberry Tart.
The Naija Dude