‘Tis the season to be jolly, people!
Were you expecting someone else? Yels itz me, in the flesh!
This here today was written under duress folks! Itz the Ramblings of an effing high niccuh with a slightly crooked approach to life.
Of cos my approach to life is slightly crooked, are we not Nigerians after all?
**DJ now slamming: Ice-prince: thank you**
“Awon fyn boys, looking for a fyn gehs”
This one here is a “sperra shalla” to all the dudes and dudettes out there that are the numerous source of motivation to me!
I know wah you’re thinking: itz the end of the year and it gonna be one of ’em mushy post’s, where I “thanks” my family and amazing friends n what not…..naa, way too early for that. When I’ve being on this blogging shii for more than a year, No worry. I go thank una wella!
Todae’s “thansk you” is directed at a special group of peepz….lemme expatiate!
To all them girls, those I’ve toasted and that have made me feel like crap! ( By not being overwhelmed by my awesomeness I mean), I say thansk yhu
»»»….you’re just one another line on the very long list of reasons I’m gonna be on Forbes list in the next forty years! ( check my memopad, actually there).
To all ’em gals who friend-zoned me for no just cause! did I say I wanna be your friend?! You just look me up and down begin think say I’ll make a wonderful bestie? *Thunder fire you*
To all them niccuhs who, by no fault of theirs, just happen to have more swag, more followers on Twitter*lolz* – and more importantly more money – than me, I say thansh you. By now una suppose don code say I be hater. Bro no be your fault oo, buh you’re still a very strong motivation. When I don get money eh,
»»» I go bloody! I’ll be like Captain America with a 12 inch D! Cool, calm, collected and without an ounce of fuck to be given out or wait – I’ll defo be James bond with the cool suits. Ruthless mofo!! Or maybe Mandela with a Cape on, Chocolate killing Vanilla with a theme song. Yea, I’ll tell you to go fuck yourself if you don’t act right. Yea….you know yourself.
Hold up, let’s not get too emotional. Lemme give you niccuhs a piece of very sound and mutated advice. You know those awkward moments when she ain’t acting right, or those more awkward ones when she dey use you play? Or the even most awkward one when you’re being oppressed and set on the path of depression by some more bucksed up niccuh?
Yea….those ones. Well don’t wallow. Get angry. Its one more reason why you gatz be bucksed up in life. One one reason why you’ve gatz haff a Rolls Royce Phantom; please tell me you’ve seen the new Range Rover stretch! One more reason why you should get to the level wey you get the chiques n the P without even trying. Just imagine youreself, being chased down the Hollywood boulevard by a horde of pretty models and wanna-be’s. Lie and say you haven’t had that fantasy na!
Obviously you need more Alomo to loosen up
Some of ya may think of this as being weak and shallow….I assure you, IT IS!!. You expect me to be motivated by charity and philantropy n those kinda shii?
Cool story tho’
If you’re one of them people, then I’m impressed, it shows that you still gat an aorta of human decency in your veins.
I’ve since learnt that humans are motivated by very funny reasons. I chose to be motivated by the slights: so called slights, and even the imaginary slights directed to me by people.
You can be a youth, young adult, old adult, near death adult, even dead people are even slighted by other dead people. Why else do you think ancient Egyptians buried their dead with lotta gold n precious stones? Na so that some stupid yahoo boys no go fall their hand in the after life jwo!
Lemme continue with my appreciation sef
To all them dudes who make me doubt meself….Lemme explain well. You know wen you don dress for class finish, looking trendy and fly, with your 1500 jeans, 900h tee-shirt and 4k shoes and you finally enter skul only to see some guy that looks so cool that he makes you feel like crap? *you see wah I did there? C-n-C?*
Yea…thatz wah I’m talking about.
Well to all them dudes like that, you’re exactly the reason why I’m gonna haff 250 very expensive, very original pairs of shoes in my very large and very extravagant closet and…..
wait for it…..
»»»»»»» never wear one of them!
Gbam! You didn’t see that coming, did you??
I no go wear any single one of them. They will be for my viewing pleasure,-I’ll be like that Silas Marner niccuh with his bags of gold- and I go use them score too 😀
I can’t laff on my blog post again?
Go look bush….or munch on one if you prefer
Lemme tell you a story( not mine tho’; heard it frm a friend, who heard it from a friend). Anyway amma act as tho’ the story is mine sha.
You can’t do nuffin bout it!
So sit back and continue reading
…..So I went to a club on a very nice faithfully “everywhere good” Christmas Eve.
No worries brah! Your niccuh was bucksd up!
Had me like 10gees in my pocket and I was feeling cool.
The night was one ’em cool night where you just had to remember them BEP song ” I’ve gat a feeling, that tonight’s gonna be a good nite….”
Any ways, we went to a bar first of all: me, two dudes of mine and two gehs.
Sharrap joorr…nuffin pervy was going on. I was in it to get drunk, nuffin else. Not especially to score.
So any ways after a vey nice time in the bar, niccuhs were feeling high and girls just a wee bit tipsyso we decided to adjourn to a nearby club.
*At this point, lemme insert that this was the night I decided on my life’s motto; Any which way na way……as long as it brings the cheddah in*
Any way….no be wen we reach club gate wahala enter?
‘Twuz 12:32 and obviously there was no cab or nuffin to enter, so me and my niccuhs logically decided to make use of the next available resource: keke.
You weren’t there.
Fuck! I hate niccuhz who judge!!
We got to our first port of call….well we didn’t actually get to “call” there. As soon as the keke slowed down in front of the club, the bouncers at the gate start to laff, Wah came outta them mouths I will neva forget in my life. ” Keke abi!….hehehe….no just bother stop oo”
You still think I’m shallow?
Movin’ on. After our not so welcoming welcome at the first port of “call”, we decided to try somewhere else. Mehn, twuz like lucifer had it in for us that day oo, see fallin’ hand everywhere! When we got to the next club the following ensued;
The gate was packed full, with many lame niccuhs and gehs tryna get in. Since I was pretty sure of meself and still gat approximately 8k left I felt rili good about my prospects of getting in.we walked up to the bouncers with puffed up chest and wildly beating hearts.
- Two gehs with us: check. You can go in
- My “fair in complexion niccuh”: check
- Me…(Lemme not blow my trumpet): check
- My rili cool and awesome dark ajebo ni kneggar? Hell no
The bouncer decided he didn’t like the look of he’s face, and since we didn’t come in a Range Rover, Camry, Lexus or onna ’em cool cars, he actually had the right to make that call. To cut the story wey still long for front short, we spend pass 2 hours dey beg this guy oo. Up till now I’m not still sure why he wouldn’t let him in. Maybe he was intimidated by your awesomely awesomeness mahn. I know you’re reading this…..korrect guy!
Anyway, while we were outside begging the bouncer to let our guy in, the 2 girls had managed to disappear and reappear on the balcony above us like one of the other “cool peepz” sympathizing on our plight
After 2 hours of pleading, the bouncer plonker finally let my dude in oo.
We hooked up with our companions and set course for a fun night….
Funny thing is now wey I don reach the moral of my story, I don tire to type sef. Lemme try and finish the story sha….when we enter the club ehn….see oppression everywhere.
Me and my niccuhs manage “gather” buy one bottle of hennessy, bought some soft drinks for the ladies to mix them shii and we were feeling cool.
Next thing we hear, the DJ that was jamming me deaf before started pum pum pum……you get? As if queen of England show.
Pumph phump phump…..then I see one junky-like looking local boy stroll past me towards the VIP section,with his wallet in his hand,cigarette in his dry lips, 2 tush looking cream chicks on either side of him and finally a waiter trekking behind him with two bottles of Nuvo!
And You say make I no pursue money?
- Sango the god of Thunder punish you gan!
- May olukun shrink your penis ni and make it Wither!
- Ebo fie ekun leluwe!
- Or just simply drink cement and die!
Sowie for my outburst once again; thansk yhu
Mehn that was the sound we heard all night oooh. No be small tin ma mehn….pumph pumph pumh….there goes another bottle of nuvo towards the vip…..God punish devil for my life.
Shey you’ve heard the proverb “seize the divine opportunity?” Well peepz….there’s no such thing as a “divine opportunity”. you gatz make it for your self ooh. Rick Riordan said that “Fairness is when everybody gets what they want, and if you want life to be fair to you, you gatz go out there and take it”.
Be proactive. Speaking as one of those hustling for the 2:1 CGPA, if thatz wah you know will help you, make it happen! If na music you feel will make the money for you, mehn pursue it…..if na football, *abeg I fit be president of your fan club wen you don blow?* Even if na blood money……..
*judgement reserved once again*
Abeg who know where I fit join Illuminati?
Mehn I can’t feel the buzz no more, where the hell is the mofo’n waiter na?!
Lemme just go to the bar myself joor buh if I don’t properly mention such actual “Proper” motivations in my life then I’m #Losing!
First of my big bruhs, Korolle, Aigee, Aikay, Ozedy and @NegroDankaro….just a glimpse at yousa tells me I gatta be my best!
At my real niccuhz, partners in the hustle for academic excellence, @Shittuspringus, Kul_Fm, el-pynoh, @Atere10 (study partner ni)…..menh una too much, no worry, we go soon graduate. Five years no be beans!
At my Editors and partners in all this writer bizness we carry for head,@itzEDK, @tshyka and @oVunderkind, lemme be honest, wen I see stuffz you guys write, makes me strive to write berrah.
Once again, to all them girls, those I’ve toasted and that have made me feel like organic fertilizer! ( By underestimating my potential for success) I say thansk yhu….you’re just one more page on a very large ledger of reasons why when I’m president, I’ll make all the gehs shave their heads and outlaw the use of make-up!
And err….I FINALLY got to win an award today from a “Toh Bahd” rated blogger for just being my awesome self.
Just clickhere to read
Of cos itz the naijadude!!