jonzing (Finale): Blame it on the alcohol………and Murphy’s law

*enters stage right*

*roaring applause*

Beht of course. I am Naija Dude. *dusts shoulders*

*cues music* “it ends tonight”

Today’s post is just all sorts of awesome. Like how else did you think we were gonna end The Jonzing Series?! Big bro hugs for @Tshyka (my first guest writer) and @itzEDK (the pro ghost writer).

The Jonzing Series finale is a not-so-short post, like all true awesome ones and is a product of the incredibly werey, yet amazing mind of @ehienabs! You can catch her thoughts at here: ehienabs blog

*exits stage left*

*
Once upon a time, in the olden days, a few decades ago, when women put blush on their cheeks and men wore tuxedos and smelled nice… wait what??

Guy!!! Na my tory and I go talk am as I like… una too razz sef…..

As I was saying, there lived a princess and a prince… okay okay! I go talk, before una use eye kill me…

Like we never even tay for the club when I see say omo guy Kola done doze off and one not so sober chick like that was braiding his hair then it dawned on me that mehn, I gats find a chick braid my hair too… the hair on my other head that is….*winks* scratch that, winking is gay!

Anyways, I begin patrol the club small small using eye look and check out peeps. To my unlucky stars, most of the babes were either too drunk or were otherwise preoccupied. Anyhow sha, I just sighted Eedeekay and I made my way to task him for the meat we bought at Mama Sheddy’s – without paying and without her knowledge. Edeekay just arrange the meat sharply for me, no wahala, e be like say the guy done high.

So back to my hunt for a hairbraider. Not long after I left Eedeekay, I saw a beautiful bombshell. As in, this chick was hawttt! I mean she could just sit naked for all her fucking life and would just be awesome. She had the brightest pink lipstick on her lips that would be so perfect for errrr… hairbraiding, you dig! So I approached her, with my swag on and what not, all ready to get my game on and you know, phonè at the ready when suddenly girl opens her mouth and the razzest most welcoming words come out as she says: “Oga na ate hondred naira for won hour with condom, won thasand for one hour raw and na two hondred naira to suck dick per hour.” Omo mehn, I could not be happier.

Sharply I checked my wallet, removed 2k for tfare and stiil had about 2k left so I paid for 2 hours with condom of course, and I’m all psyched and ready to go when she says “you get condom so??” Eh?!! Condom for where??! I check my wallet and of course what do I see, NO CONDOM! So I tell this babe make she chill for the exit, I went to meet the bar man and he’s all like: “Oh go downstairs, I think they’ve closed but try your luck sha.”

Eh??

What luck??

Guy, we make our own luck!! Omo see sprinting!!!! Usain Bolt would’ve been proud!!!

So I get downstairs and what do I see?? They’ve packed up and were about to leave! Good God!!! Till this day, I’m not sure why, but I screamed. At the top of my lungs!

“MADAM GIMME TWO CONDOMS!!!!!!!”

The madam and her assistant just turned and looked at me, like I was some kind of freak, (well wasn’t I a freak?) *shrugs* Anyhow sha, the madam started yarning dust for me talmbout how they’ve locked up and shii, and then I had an epiphany and before I even thought about it, it came tumbling out of my mouth:

“Madam, na Durex I want.”

My dudes and dudettes, there is a saying passed on from my forefathers (and fuck you if you’ve never heard of it), it goes: “dem nor dey use Durex fuck okpo. E get why.” True story!

“Durex na 300 for one. shebi na two you wan buy??”

Mhen who was I to disagree??

“Yes ma, na two”

“Na becos you be my guy that why I dey sell am for you so oo”

Oh? Who cares? So I give her a thousand naira note and not until she gives me the 400 naira change before I realised what I had done.

Getting back to my mission, I begin find my way to back to the club and as I’m ascending the stairs I see Eedeekay trying to have a little one on one with my okpo. For what now?!

Sharply, I cleared him the matter, “Guy, abeg muzz! I don pay for this one jare”

“Bros, if he wan fuck, he nor go tok as e dey do am?”

Omo, who gave this okpo the audacity to talk?? By this time, some kain gay, anyhow song was playing, I think it was Mario’s “Let Me Love You” or so. Mehn, fuck that shii, I just grabbed my okpo’s hand and took her outside to find a suitable place to errrr…braid my hair.

We got outside now, time to braid hair reach and I can’t find a suitable place. Everywhere was either filled with vomit or people braiding their hair or stank of urine. Took us nearly an hour to find a place before I found one at the corner of the club. Madam okpo got down to business, first she took my top off, then off went my jeans, and my boxers, then she began using her hand… scratch that, she started using her pinky finger to wiggle my DICK, my big manly DICK! The fuck is that??!!!

“Come oo, na Godzilla you dey use play like that”
“Godzilla?” She asked , “E get level?, oya make I see how he fit show power reach”

BLACKOUT!

…and my guys, na there I remember reach, whether her phone rang, then she took me a picture, or there was lighting, mehn I don’t remember.

What I do remember is someone kicking me to wake up. Now, see I’m not exaggerating or lying, neither was I that stupidly drunk. Well… maybe a little bit stupid. But this man/beast that was kicking me awake was like 20ft tall (like I said I’m not exaggerating) black as night, with muscles big enough for Mike Tyson to use as weights, the dude was almighty! So the reason why I said what I said next is beyond me.

“I no dey get up from here except person wan fuck me”

Please, don’t judge me, I haven’t gotten any in months!!!!

I notice that this beast-person (let’s call him “Bruce”) started unbuckling his belt… wait, you’re asking me why?? I can say he had no plans of using the belt to beat me. Let’s just leave it like that. It took me about 180 seconds to realise this nigga’s plans for me. I gotta say, I’m proud of what I did next.

I bit his hand that he was about to use and flip me over, then I kicked him in the nuts, picked my boxers up and started running for my dear life, I RAN. Picked Race. Fast As Lightening. Got The Fuck Away From Him!!!

I’m not sure why God saved my life, but one thing I’m sure of is, what I did next was not the reason why God saved me. When I was sure Bruce was not on my heels I slowed to a walk, with my singlet looking like that of a lebuke and my boxers barely hanging on my my waist. Next thing I knew, I saw my very own okpo/mammy water/obanje/Nneka, the pretty serpent/queen of the coast. A wise, normal young man would have simply asked for his belongings and be on his merry way but what does a nigga like me do?? I ask that madam okpo to render the services which I paid for earlier (like I said, I’m pretty sure this was not why God saved my life).

To cut long story short, aunty started apologising saying that she’ll even add a complimentary blowjob, on the house of course and with that, I forgot all my woes. She takes my hand and starts leading me towards the gate, quite close to the security quarters. Still drunk, but apprehensive as fuck, I asked this babe why and she responds dryly: “dem bodi gard pipo go dey inside club now, dem go dey drive pipo wey done too drink, wey dey do anyhow”
Made sense to me! Of course it did.

Well to her credit, that place was actually convenient so she takes off my boxers and starts tearing what’s left of her skimpy top and before I could say “boobs”, she starts yelling. At the top of her fucking voice. A voice that I’m sure has be prepped and trained through years and years of professional dick sucking (I try not to judge people but seriously this girl was a witch).

She starts screaming: “RAPE!!! RAPE OOO!!! ONOME COME O!!!!! RAPE!!!!” I’m trying to hush her. Begging. Even almost crying sef, for where?!?!! I’m confused. Scared even.

Who the hell is Onome? Why is she calling him? Is he a guard?

Then I catch a glimpse of his shadow. His almighty frame is coming towards us. Bruce is coming. Perfect! Of course Bruce just has to be Onome.

I’m not sure what type of sorcery glued my feet to the ground but I actually waited till Bruce arrived and, this madam okpo/queen of the coast/obanje/mammy water starts telling her ludicrous tale of how I approached her and she turned me down because I looked crazy without clothes and then I began my attempted rape.

THE FUCK??!!!!

See eh, I swear, I actually planned on explaining my self and the words I thought of were: “she stole my clothes and that she actually lead me here willingly”, but you’d never believe the words that came out of my mouth!

“HE TRIED TO RAPE ME!!!”

Oh, and did I mention that I yelled that out loud?!

Bruce/Onome/Beast looks me in the eye and I aint gotta tell you how fast I ran for my dear life! And yes I forgot my boxers,

So… here I am.

Running for my life.

Half naked.

Thinking all hope is lost.

Suddenly I run into the most unlikely, yet welcoming (as at that time) person in the world, the guard that let us in. I explained myself to him and in my opinion, I think I did a good job too because according to him this is what I said: “He raped me, then there was an obanje and she screamed rape and I can’t remember the name of my boxers”
pssssst!!! Abeg I know as I dey high and I nor high reach like that.

The guard insisted that I go get my boxers (apparently Godzilla was making him uncomfortable) so I beg him to follow me (yes I’m a bitch, thanks) and we go to the car park where I’m hoping Aunty Obanje and Uncle Bruce are still there awaiting the wrath of this security personnel. Beht of course they weren’t there. And they left me a message; my unnamed boxers soaked in urine (someone please shoot me now). Oga security man starts asking me where my two assailants are and I should give him a recap of my story (after I’ve worn my urine soaked boxers, of course). I begin the recap and he starts pointing his flashlight in my eyes, talmbout how my pupils are dilated and how they take their drug policy very seriously. Mehn, fuck that! I’m trying to convince this nigga that a man did try to rape me and he goes “them no they do that kian thing for Naija, all those thing na oyinbo thing, I repeat oga which drug you take??” Omo mehn, my own done finish.

Oga Security asks if I’m alone. I told him that I came with a few friends. I described Eedeekay to him and he radios a colleague… next thing I knew, thunder strikes and showers of blessing starts blessing me… heavily.

‘Bout 15 minutes later, I see Edeekay coming. His face spelt it out.
W-A-H-A-L-A D-E-Y!!

Advertisements

9 thoughts on “jonzing (Finale): Blame it on the alcohol………and Murphy’s law

  1. You all are cwazzzziiiieee…..but this is still bloody hilarious…..big ups to u guys….keep up d good write ups n try writing some non x rated n u might actually get published…..but honestly I LOVE THIS..

  2. BIATTTTTTTTCCCCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHH NABS KILLED IT!!!!! SHE KILLED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. This is some classy sh*t,I respect u guys!!!! TWAILE for d men wey sabi!!!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s