Jonzing (Episode 3): Earl jones de Smirnoff III

I was hung over….


I’m always hung over. So when I walked in that plonker’s crib and he started acting awkward, I didn’t give it much thought. Actually, my brain can’t stand thinking about alotta shii at the moment.

As usual, I’m pretty sure the dude has got some convoluted idea of what happened that night buh Imma tell you the truth: half of what he says is probably true, the other half; bullshit! To put it mildly.

Lemme set the record straight:

1) I had absolutely nothing to do with it,
2) In fact, if I had known something like that was happening, or was about to happen I would have pulled the hell outta there.
3) I actually had an inkling to it happening when I realized I was standing under the rain, outside the club, with three other dudes n the security man, begging an “okpo”.


A whole me!!

Son of me Fada, stand under rain dey beg ashawo. If nothing else, please blame it on the alcohol.

Nor worry, I go tell you werrin happen, it wasn’t my fault *shrugs* so I’m not ashamed of it. You know what? Let’s back up a bit…

***an hour earlier**

“Kokolet go down lemme introduce you to the black mamba!”

Just as the sex-appeal-oozing babe I was dancing with was about to drop down for an introduction to the black mamba, I felt my phone buzzing. Mehn….what the fuck?!
If na Vincent wan beg me make I allow am dance with this babe mehn e berrah ready go look bush oo.

Alas it was Vincent again, buh the stoned niggur didn’t want a go at my dancing party partner. Apparently, something was up with one of the other dude in our posse of 5.
*sighs* Tereson was thinking sideways again. No, not in the cool way like Owl City does. No, that was just too sophisticated for this niccuh as he is kinda more of an Olamide person. He was always “reasoning dust.”

The dude was going through a dry spell since his girlfriend left him. The niggur hadn’t gotten any in two months! That’s 14 weeks yo! 60 un-fucking days! Dude was in pain! His tadpoles had completed their life cycle in his balls and were now frogs… and for some reason, recently, niccuh had being having serious acne issue.

So when Vincent slurred in my ears: “mayday, we’ve got three men down”, and managed to slobber all over me while trying to do so, that my niccuh had disappear into the gloom with a chick he suspected to be a “working geh”, I was pretty sure that wahala dey!

No judgement on Tereson, buh this was one line I knew I wouldn’t want to cross, and by default all the guys in my crew. So I got out me phone, went on our BBM group and holla’d a mayday out…..”niccuhz convaj by the VIP door ASAP! We’ve gat a code RED on our hands!……HIV/AIDS level code red oo”

Do I need to tell ya the message didn’t do shit? Which niccuh in his right mind go dey check him bb when he dey club surround by hot girls and plenty alcohol? Kola was peacefully crossing the atlantic on the couch, I had left Ayo in the restaurant below napping with his head on a plate of fried rice, and now apparently Tereson had joined the “jonzing” club.

After a few precious minutes were wasted hunting out Vincent from the so called “garden” he was chillin’ in with a “not so easy on the eye” chique, Vincent led the briefing and we got to tweet some pics….hehe, get that? And we all set out to find that fucking guy before sumtin happen to him and his “godzilla” out in the open air. That’s what friends are for innit?

So began the hunt for the elusive Tereson. I searched everywhere. He was nowhere to be found. Till this day, I have no idea where he went. All I know is that an hour later, just when I had decided to rest the matter and leave the niccuh to his vices, the huge and highly muscled bouncer walked up to me.

You know how they say when you’re about to die your life flash before your eyes? Well dudes and dudettes, when you think you’re about to be evicted from a club, in front of all the babes and dudes you don dey front for since, you also do some soul searching too…

But all the dude did was walk up to me and say: “guy show outside, your friend don fuck up”

What the fuck has this niccuh gotten into now again na?

“Bros, abeg which of my friends be that?”

I was then informed that it was the dude with the “all back” hairstyle, and he had informed them that I was his next of kin and begged that I be called. Mehn, if I tell you that I wasn’t tempted to deny him right there and then, I’m the biggest liar in all the land. But a man’s gotta do what he’s gotta do. I decided to go see for myself how deep a hole Tereson had dug for himself.

*third sigh of the night*

Now,here was ma niccuh, sitting on the clubs car park floor, wearing only his boxers and singlet; like I said, wahala dey!

Gimme a minute. I gotta get something to drink, my throat feels like a box of rusty nails.

*sips alomo*

*clears throat*

*snaps fingers*

Okkie….lemme tell you wah happened after.

I guess you’re wondering how my real niccuh went from lying passed out with his fly open to sitting on the carpark floor clad in only his underwear? And I, a boss like moi, standing under the rain… Guess what…me too!


3 thoughts on “Jonzing (Episode 3): Earl jones de Smirnoff III

  1. 9ce stuff.make brain*

  2. Awesome sh*t mahn

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