As I stared in despair at the textbook on the desk, a funny quote I had heard earlier in the day popped into my head: “fuck education, I dey go learn work”. It wasn’t like I was dumb or didn’t understand the Crop physiology I was reading; it was just that the textbook was freaking large! It was just 3 days to the exam and I was just on page 23!
At times like these, I ascribed to the philosophies of the ‘little man and the big dude’; “Hakuna matata!” At that very moment some holier-than-thou preacher dude decided to come and disturb the little concentration I had been able to garner into tackling my academic chore. I decided to fuck it all and go outside for some fresh air and sight seeing. Call me a perv, but I kinda like looking at the many fine gehs who parade around faculty under the guise of reading when all they had actually come to do was, according to the Russian saying, ” to see and be seen.”
So here was your guy outside, jobless, cold and babeless (straight face); with the fact that I was ill prepared for my exam choking my mind. Let’s just say I wasn’t feeling fly.
So I said to myself: “Okkie mahn lemme just get my pee on and get my black arse into that motherfuckin’ class. I’m gonna fuck that CRS 511 in the ass. (No Homo!).” Ok, moving on…
Shey you guys know that corner for faculty na, where everybody… well almost everybody goes to pee?
Yea, that the place!
My bulging bladder emptied, I was about to go do my anal tai-chi (seriously, no homo :|) on the textbook when I heard a muffled scream. Now after years in Ekosodin, let’s just say I’m kinda adept at ignoring cries for help from fellow students (don’t look at me like that!). But I guess my crappiness had caused an engineered surge in my metabolic testosterone level which subsequently urged me to risk my life for a strange babe that I had no idea if she was beautiful or not… or should I say I just felt like fighting. Yes, I think this is a reasonable moment to let you in on the fact that I’m a green belt holder in karate *dusts shoulders*.
So I decided to put my hard earned skills to use and investigate the source of the scream. So I told myself: “stealth mode on!” And sneaked into the orchard, hoping to catch a glimpse of my contenders before I bit more than I could chew. After a few moments of sidling and sneak peeks, I finally located the damsel in distress. The tableau before me was straight outta a Bond movie, the one we all know so well…or maybe it was outta that extreme porn video clip I saw on pornhub. Kinda confusing tho’. Anyways, I saw two hefty guys… wait ooh, three hefty men trying to get their freak on with a non-responsive babe, and from the way she was dressed I knew she definitely didn’t ask for it.
“Hakuna matata,” I told meself…”aal izz well.” Talk about bringing a knife to a gun fight! I thought I should sneak back and alert the security men… not like I’m scared or nothing… I wasn’t you know… I just decided as a sure boy to go call security. I didn’t wanna get my faded night class jeans stained with blood. As I was about to sneak away, I realized that they were on the verge of accomplishing their mission; one of the dudes had hit her so hard on the head that she went limp. This definitely put a cramp on my plans. There was no longer time to go get the security men.
Once again, I shouted “Hakuna matata” in my head, stepped out from behind the tree I was hiding and calmly told them in the best British accent I could muster: “Unhand that lady now!!!”
Long story short, I woke up three days later in UBTH. I suppose you can deduce the subsequent proceedings of my rescue attempt.
PS: I’m too hungry to finish writing this story. Abeg, use the remaining part act film for your head, the illustration below would help…….and errmmm as to the English, you know the usual na!